User:Queenfeline/ASlipOfTheTongue

This is the wiki page for the (CR) meetings hosted by me, Feline :))

about

Despite identifying as a feminist and actively opposing sexism on a political and ideological level, I became aware that I unconsciously reproduce sexist patterns in the way I speak and think. I noticed that I use expressions in my vernacular that contradict my beliefs, are misogynistic and linguistically undermine women*s value. Recognizing that I unknowingly yet actively participate in sustaining sexist norms through everyday speech was a moment of rupture that lead me to think about language in a feminist context and made me approach it as a structural issue that can and should be examined, understood, and addressed collectively.

Feminist linguistic theory has long argued that language is not a neutral medium but a political site in which gendered hierarchies are reflected and sustained. It is through language that experiences are named, categorized, and communicated, and that social norms and power relations are reproduced. The ways in which women* are spoken about, addressed, silenced or made invisible through linguistic practices contribute to broader systems of gendered oppression. At the same time, Feminists argue that language also holds the potential to be reshaped, reclaimed, and used as a tool of resistance.

Code of Conduct

Language is not just a list of words but a system of power that we uphold and reinforce everyday with speaking. I want to create collective speech acts that invite reflection, exchange, and co-creation of meaning. It is not about change in language its more about noticing the sexism in language and using language as a tool to stop the sexist cycles and ways of speaking. Its about stopping the constant shaming and proudly reclaiming or rephrasing terms for selfempowerment.

Taking the Idea from Consciousness-raising groups (from 1970s feminism): the personal is political – sharing experiences creates political awareness.

Deborah Cameron wrote in her book The Feminist Critique of Language "...our ways of talking about things reveal attitudes and assumptions we might well consciously disown, thus testifying to the deep-rootedness of sexism."

These meetings are a space for shared reflection, rethinking, listening and learning. We come together to explore how language shapes our understanding of ourselves and the world around us. Speaking about ones language can be a vulnerable subject. Noticing that the way you speak holds sexism and other forms of oppression can be uncomfortable and in order to make these meetings a space where everyone feels safe and heard to learn and reinvent, I came up with a code of conduct. It is not a set of rigid rules, but a shared agreement that can be transformed as we go.

We are here to examine our own speech patterns. We expect to discover internalized sexism. We agree to approach that discovery with curiosity rather than defensiveness. We see this discussion as a method of collective knowledge production, not as a debate that anyone can win.

We acknowledge that these conversations can touch on painful experiences and leave feelings of discomfort, guilt, shame, confusion, anger and other.

We prioritize emotional safety, empathy, and mutual respect.

We know that safety does not necessarily mean comfort.

We allow discomfort. We do not allow harm or disrespect.

Discomfort is information. Experiences are a form of knowledge.

We know that learning requires discomfort, but not humiliation.

We listen to understand, not to respond or shame.
We use “I” statements to describe how we have internalized or witnessed sexist language, and what it means to us.
We speak from our own experience rather than generalizing or assuming.
We critique ideas, not people. We put structural analysis over individual blame.
We allow space for silence and reflection. We don't interrupt each other.
We are responsible for the impact our words might have, even it it was not our intention.
We approach ourselves and each other without judgment. We are all learning to recognize and unlearn internalized sexism.
Mistakes are part of the work. We hold space for repair, reflection, and growth.

We recognize that language carries structural power.

We recognize that every person’s relationship with language is different, shaped by culture, gender, race, and class.

We acknowledge intersecting systems of oppression.

We value difference and see it as enriching for the conversation.

There are no “wrong” realizations or levels of awareness.

Even though I , Feline, structure the conversation I’m not an expert and I don’t own the conversation. Language and meaning are collectively shaped and we credit and respect each other’s contributions. As the moderator and participants, we continuously reflect on our roles, assumptions, and privileges. We welcome feedback and are open to revising our methods or language including this code of conduct. With attending these meetings we agree to the documentation and sharing of the meetings. Participants have the right to remain anonymous or opt out. Consent can be withdrawn at any time.

We will read the code of conduct out loud every time we start a meeting to refresh our memory on these agreements. This also opens the space to discuss the code and adjust it accordingly.

Aftercare

I'm aware that what comes up in the meetings can be a lot to take in, and it can be really confronting work. If you have realizations that are followed by feelings of discomfort or shame this section is for you. Here I gathered things you can do that might help dealing with such feelings.

Sometimes a conversation opens a door you didn’t realize was there. Please know that clarity comes with discomfort. You may leave the meeting feeling surprised, unsettled, or mentally full. Recognizing there is oppression not only around you but within you can be very challenging. This feeling of shock is often the first step of learning, it means something new has entered your understanding. Give yourself time. Let your nervous system settle. You do not have to process everything immediately. Awareness unfolds in layers. Also know that ambivalence is normal. You will notice sexism and still reproduce it, feel empowered and still insecure, be critical and still desire approval. And that is okay and part of unlearning!

After realizing you reproduce sexist patterns, guilt can arise. About things you have said in the past, roles you have played in unequal systems, privileges you may hold or guilt for falling back into old patterns.

Guilt can be uncomfortable, but it can also be a sign that your awareness is expanding. Instead of staying stuck in self-blame, ask yourself: What can I do differently now? Learning and adjusting is more powerful than punishing yourself. Remember: you are structurally embedded. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer others who are learning. Awareness creates the possibility for change.

Remember: Mistakes are part of learning. You are practicing feminist awareness, not performing feminist perfection! It is okay to fall back into internalized patterns or use words in ways that you're trying to avoid. Allow yourself to learn and make mistakes and try again. It is hard work to get rid of patterns that are so deeply rooted within you. Don't beat yourself up, you're unlearning and rewriting and that takes time. Be proud of yourself for taking back control over your own life. You’re so brave for growing into the person you want to be.

When confronted with the scale of structural inequality, it is common to feel overwhelmed or discouraged. When this happens, it can help to remember that no single person carries the responsibility for change alone. Feminist work has always been collective and ongoing. Reconnect with your friends and community. Share your feelings with others. Change happens slowly, through countless small actions and conversations like the one you just had. Small shifts accumulate!

There may also be grief. Grief for experiences that should not have happened. Grief for opportunities lost, for an old version of yourself, for the realization that certain structures have shaped our lives in ways we cannot undo. Allow grief to exist without rushing it away. Rest, cry if you need to, sit quietly, or write down what you are mourning. Grief is not weakness, it is evidence that you care deeply.

Also anger is a natural and often necessary response. It can arise when you recognize unfairness, harm, or structural injustice. Anger carries information: it tells you that something matters and shows you in what ways you feel mistreated.

Instead of suppressing it, try to let anger move safely through your body. Write down what you are angry about. Talk to someone you trust. Anger can be a powerful force that motivates action, solidarity, and transformation.

Becoming aware of the power of language is not always easy, but it is meaningful. Every time we name an experience, question a norm, or listen to someone else’s story, something shifts.

You do not need to have all the answers. Being curious, attentive, and willing to learn is already powerful. Take what inspired you today and carry it gently forward. Change grows from many voices, many conversations, and many small acts of courage—yours included.

Awareness can be heavy, but it is also powerful. Feminist consciousness is not only about seeing injustice—it is also about building new forms of care, solidarity, and imagination. Take what nourishes you from the conversation. Leave what you cannot carry today. Trust that understanding grows over time. And remember: the fact that you are thinking, questioning, and engaging already means you are part of the change.

This article has great advice and here you might also get some good advice.

Meetings

Structure:

1. Are you using this term? If yes, how are you using it? If no, why not?

2. Describe the feeling(s) the term evokes – "When I say it, I feel..." "When I hear it..."

INPUT

3. Has your perception of the word changed? – over the course of your life? after the input?

4. Next steps – How do we want to proceed? Reclaim, avoid or find alternative or ...?

5. Open questions, confusions or comments?

6. Reflection on meeting

10/11/25 – hey guys

This was the first prototype of these meetings. It was with XPUB2 only and we talked about 'hey guys' (Here the wiki page). I noticed that some of us (including myself) used that term quite frequently. As time went by and my knowledge on sexist language grew, I became more and more uncomfortable with saying it myself but also being called that way. So I opened the discussion and with that tested a meeting structure that was:

1. Are you using this term? If yes, how are you using it?

2. describe the feeling the term evokes – "When I say it, I feel...", "When I hear it, I feel..."

3. How can we redefine the word to all our liking? How can we make everyone feel included?

4. after input: Has your perception of using the term changed? If yes, how?

The meeting went so well. I was pleasantly surprised. Everyone was engaging a lot and sharing their opinions. I noticed that an hour was too little time, as I had to rush through the input and it was more a me presenting it rather than a we discover together situation. That I will definitely change in future meetings.

15/12/25 – female

Pad of the day

1. Are you using this term? If yes, how are you using it? If no, why not?

- mostly used in bureaucratic or scientific areas
– often encountered in historical contexts (makes sense with etymology as is used to be a very respectful way to refer to a woman, now not anymore)
– can't really pinpoint but feels icky
– we wouldn't say its on its own to refer to a woman ("shes a female.") but good for contextualizing and describing 'female athlete' or 'female college'
– other languages are already gendered, english isn't so there is a need to use female to refer to a woman coworker or friend etc. – other languages don't need the add 'female' as they are already gendered – why do we feel the urge to describe people by their gender? Socially trained? Could we imagine a world where we just refer to a human? Apparently its still useful and important in some contexts
– is very specific to english, maltese, german and dutch don't have the same connotation to the word female or don't even have a different word for woman and female (maltese)
– female we only use to describe gender (definition as well very connected to reproductive organs)
– using female as a description for a woman feels more degrading than describing a man with male – more a feeling can't really say why
– we use it more for animals than for humans – refers to one half of a species, not necessarily humans
– if we include trans people, the term is technically incorrect (as the definition says its people with ova) – but then can we not get rid of the term completely and just say woman? – but then would that not simply just replace female and with that have the same issue?
– do we need a distinction still? Cause what about animals?

2. Describe the feeling(s) the term evokes – "When I say it, I feel..." "When I hear it..."

– men calling someone a female (as a noun) feels icky
– female feels more sexualized than male
– calling someone a male is used to refer to a very heteronormative and almost matcho man
– female, has this strong biological connotation, and if you want to call a stereotypical 'wonanly' woman you'd say feminine instead ('She's very feminine.')
– 'feminine' carries very stereotypical connotations tho – and not only used for females/women exclusively
– We're lacking terms to specifically describe sexuality and gender outside the binary system! So we only use male and feminine to describe stereotypical gender roles/expressions and they are reinforcing and upholding the stereotypical system – so we need to come up with and use new words out of the binary system to describe gender expressions

INPUT

3. Has your perception of the word changed? – over the course of your life? after the input?

after input
– makes us angry and frustrated (that women experience so much sexism just for the simple fact that they are women)
– now we know exactly what the word female is NOT but we're still not true how to define it properly
– once was a respectable word maybe - now definitely not anymore
over life
– became a thing when menstruation started – as a teenager 'female hygiene products' became more present or present at all
– 'female to male' cables – wtf why do we make everything about sex? why do we not just call them a jack and a pocket? argh

4. Next steps – How do we want to proceed? Reclaim, avoid or find alternative or ...?

– we want to have more conversations about the word – with parents, with friends – interesting to hear what they thing about it
– in the case of the plugs – we don't use it anymore
– ask other people about their usage if it appears in conversations
– reclaiming not needed – only use it in certain contexts and avoid others
– only use 'female' as an specification when it's needed and adds positive connotations to women – We're not using it as a noun!
– woman, as opposed to female, describes the gender identity and includes more than just the body
– If the dictionary says a woman is 'a female human' and 'female' is described as a human with ovaries who can bear offspring, then what about a woman who needs to get her ovaries removed? Does that mean she's not a woman anymore?
– yeah so definition should not be a bodily one!
– still very tricky and hard to distinguish because it's so dependent on the context

5. Open questions, confusions or comments?

– female feels more limiting now – very biological
– it should not inherently be about ovaries only but include everyone who describes themselves as a woman
– the dictionary entry makes is problematic – feels really degrading (Merriam-Webster)
– (if a woman needs to remove their ovaries) "congratulations you cannot have children anymore you're a human now!"
– very confusing and actually really hard to define 'woman' without making it about biology
– the focus on offspring feels defensive to woman who don't want to have children or cannot have them
– I feel angry
– there is sooo much attached to it that makes us angryyyy
– men always find ways to make an 'innocent' word be sexist argh

6. Reflection on meeting

– enjoyed it very much
– ja really nice
– layout of publication is confusing
– liked the small group beginning – nice warm up
– feline guiding the conversation was nice
– the whole thing was very engaging and easy to digest
– nice topic with so much to say, could talk on for hours
– discovering the word together was nice
– have a nice conversation was a great way to unlearn – good environment
– feline created a very nice space
– this made us raise awareness to listen closer in future conversations

27/01/26 – witch

check out the entry in my IDIOTICON

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09/02/26 – Mistress

check out the entry in my IDIOTICON

25/02/26 – pussy

check out the entry in my IDIOTICON

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